Lonely People

(A true story)

            “The world’s full of lonely people afraid to make the first move,” Tony Lip says in The Green Book, and I think of all the times in my single years I was ruled by that fear. What was I afraid of – being turned down or looked down on, embarrassed or humiliated, or just plain rejected? All of the above. Unconsciously, I was placing my self worth in the hands of strangers.

            It’s not just single people who are lonely. I spent a lot of years in my first marriage being lonely. I was young then, and tender. Ignorant too and a little stupid. I let my first wife tell me who I was. It was not good, so I tried to build a personality and a safe face that I could hide behind. It didn’t save the marriage, but it got me through eleven years and gave me a lot of stories to share with therapists.

            What I did then is a variation of what many of us do, especially if we live in a big city where we don’t know if the person next to us on the subway is a wacko or a saint. If we’re not careful, we work so hard to protect ourselves that our public face becomes a hard wall with a locked gate that says, “No entry.”

How enormous we make our fears and the pain of rejection – and at what cost! Think of all the opportunities we missed – a new friend, a life partner, a person with good connections. If we could know how much we would lose by not taking the first step, the pain of that long regret would be far outweigh the brief discomfort of embarrassment. Unfortunately, we can’t.

            I’m older now and happy in a long marriage. I have more confidence. I go up to people at church or in Rotary and introduce myself. What has changed for me?

First, I’ve realized that name-amnesia is a common disease. Everyone has trouble remembering names.

Second, I’ve finally made myself the keeper of my own self worth (for the most part). I don’t rely so much on others to validate who I am.

Third, I’ve approached enough different people often enough to realize that I can survive being turned down and (slightly) embarrassed.

Fourth, I’ve worked up with some phrases that make the first step easier to take. You know how awkward it is to see someone you’ve met before but now don’t remember his name? What I do now is introduce myself and say I’m sorry, but I’ve forgotten your name – and then I add, “so please tell me. Otherwise, I won’t be able to forget it again.” People always laugh and tell me theirs, because it really is no big deal. Besides, they’ve forgotten mine but have been too embarrassed to admit it.

This has been a useful trick for me, since most people don’t remember me. I’m happy to say that my wife still does.