Part 3 of the Earth series. Click here for Part 2
After about 1,000 years when all the pieces of the divot had slid into place and Noah had gotten stuck on the point of a mountain, God made a ton more people. He scattered them around the world by hand, which meant the same thing happened as it does when you take a handful of seeds and try to spread them around on the bare spots in your yard and the seeds don’t come out evenly — some of the people came out scattered (also not too sharp) and some came out in clumps. The places that got the clumps were called China, which is where he put the Chinese seed; India, which is where he put the Indian seed, and the United States, which is where he put the American seed that Amerigo Vespucci had grown in Italy, where the Italians landed. “Merigo”(as his friends called him (which made him mad because every time someone called “Merigo”, some weisenheimer yelled “Round” and everyone went around in circles)) brought his seed across the ocean and sprinkled it on the first place he ran into. Instead of calling it “Little Italy” or “Big Italy” or even “Merigold”, he called it “the United States” to hide it from other Italians and especially the Greeks, who kept telling the Italians they made everything and thought of everything first. Even so, the people who lived in the United States called themselves “American” since they all came from Amerigo. That made the people in Canada (“Candidates”) mad because that’s what they wanted for their name, so they drew a big dark line across the big north blob about two-thirds of the way down and told the Americans they couldn’t come over it. They even turned down the heat to keep the greedy Statesers away
Everything went well for about 1000 years except for no one knew what time it was. People in China said the sun got up in the evening but the ones in Italy said it got up at midnight. Only the Americans knew the right time, which was six in the morning, so God made time zones in order to keep the other people straight and in line with the United States.
One day, people got to know each other and see how they looked and talked and they got mad because other people didn’t think right or act right the way they did. So God made the ones who weren’t Americans learn to talk in different languages so the Americans didn’t have to pay attention to them. (They weren’t paying attention anyway, but this gave them an excuse. It also gave them something else the foreigners did that they didn’t like and didn’t have to learn or understand.)
After about 1,000 years, war was invented. Some people say the Chinese and Indians did it to keep the population down so people didn’t start dropping off the globe (they all lived on the bottom, underneath side). Others say the Americans did it so they wouldn’t have to learn anything about anyone who was different but could just kill them and be done with it. Still others say TV and movie bigshots did it to give people something interesting to watch.
Which is why God got Al Gore to invent the internet so that everyone would learn how to speak right and watch all the movies the Americans made.