Driving Tips for Old Folks

Now that you’ve reached that certain age, here are some tips for when you go out driving. (They’re going to take your car away soon, so you’d better enjoy it while you can. Who? Your daughter, maybe your son. They say it’s for your safety. As if you had a lot of accidents (no, of course the little ones don’t count). The real reason is they don’t want you spending their inheritance money or stopping by unexpectedly and surprising them doing something they’re too old to be doing.)

1. Go to the bathroom. Put on fresh Depends in case, God forbid, you have an accident.
2. Open the garage door before you put the car in R or D.
3. Drive slowly so you can stop before you run into something.
4. Drive during busy times, except rush hour. That way, people will be lined up behind you waiting to help. Not rush hour because everyone’s in a rush and would rather run you over than take two minutes to help you.
5. Stay in your lane. If you don’t know where your lane is, center yourself on the line in the middle. That will leave plenty of room on either side for pushy people to drive by.
6. Stop at stop signs. If you’re not sure what a stop sign looks like, stop at any sign that’s red.
7. Stop at stoplights if they’re red. (Sometimes they’re green or yellow.) If you can’t see your colors good, stop at every light. (The drivers behind you will beep if it’s green.)
8. Don’t worry about the turn signal. Nosy people don’t need to know ahead of time. The others will know when you turn.
9. Park anywhere you want. The white lines are only to show blind people where to park.
10. If you can’t find your car in the parking lot when you’re done shopping, maybe your children took it like I said in the beginning. Call the cops. They’re not doing anything anyway except driving around bothering people.