Dear Senator Osoff,
Congratulations on your election as the first Jewish Senator from Georgia.
I was especially pleased, since I’m Jewish, just like you. Well, technically I’m a Baptist, but my friend Carey is Jewish, which is pretty much the same thing. He goes to synagogue too [I see no need to cloud the issue with how often]. He also doesn’t work on Saturdays. Actually, he’s a lot more religious than you—he doesn’t work any of the other days either.
Anyhow, we’re all tickled pink that you’re a senator from Georgia now and will soon be a big shot in Washington, D.C. In addition to being somewhat Jewish, I have also lived in Georgia. Well, if you want to get picky about it, I never actually lived there but I have driven from the top of it to the bottom of it, which took about a lifetime.
I didn’t vote for you because I was there before you ran for office. However, I always told everyone ever since last summer that I wished I had never left Georgia so I could have had the privilege of casting my vote on your behalf. That’s my one regret about leaving the Peach State.
I also lived in New York City for a while, which means I’ve learned a lot of Jewish words like kosher and shmuck and oivay. Plus, I worked in the garment district where I learned other ones you’re not supposed to say—just to let you know that you can write to me in Jewish, if you want to and I will understand it.
When you get to Washington, I’d appreciate it if you would send me a job, plus one for my friend Carey, who lives in New York. He’s a severe critic of films these days and has often commented on their sexual content. He thinks it’s a disgrace they aren’t better than they are. So, if you want someone to monitor the making of such movies, he’s your guy and I’m your goy (ha ha). We would be glad to interview personally the babes that appear in those films to try to win them over to our way of life.
If you don’t have one of those jobs, how about one for reading books? We both read a lot. Carey reads big books and I read little ones, so we pretty much have the field covered. Plus, I have a lot of experience cooking them too.
Also, when you get to Washington, feel free to stop by anytime so we can talk Jewish together. (FYI, I always have a late breakfast at 10:30, so that would be a good time. (Do you eat bacon? I do since it’s called “bacon” not “ham” (a lot of us Jewish people don’t eat ham.))
So, as we all in the Jewish religion say, Slalom and Yom Kippur.
Thank you in advance,
Ralph Whitebread