We who have experienced the joys of dealing with you in your various iterations, who remember how you have closed your doors on us in the middle of every afternoon; who have known the pleasure of your statement inserts, your branch closings, and your declining service in the name of improvements, hereby announce the following rates, terms, and conditions, which you have our permission to accept or to lump.
Accounts
1. Interest on every dollar we deem you worthy to hold for us…19%.
2. Fee for having your name on our checks, $.25 per check.
3. Fee for your not maintaining a balance of $2,500 in our account, $10 per day.
4. Overdrawn check – that’s what your reserves are for, sport.
5. Stop payment – No charge. Why should we pay you not to cash one of our checks?
Loans:
1. Yes, you may loan us money. No, you may not charge us interest on it.
2. Loan points: You may pay us one point for coming in, two points for filling out your application, and three points for thinking about it.
3. Actually, the only point you need to keep in mind is that you are not entitled to repayment (think “museum” and “permanent loan.”)
Miscellaneous Fees:
1. Bank statements…….You may send them to us at no charge (we’re reasonable people.)
2. Dealing with your voice mail…$1.25 per call.
3. Dealing with your employees… $15.00 each occurrence ($25.00 if in person.)
4. Training your new tellers and bank officers….$132 per session.
Post-Merger Fees:
1. Remembering your new stupid bank name…..$10.43/day
2. Listening to statements about how the new merger will benefit us – $1.13 per word.
Since these charges and fees are now policies, we can’t change them any more than any of your policies could ever be changed by any of your employees. However, please feel free to call our voicemail system and speak to our talented and concerned computer.
In closing, we want to thank you once again for the privilege of being your customers. We have many memories of how you have treated us over the past 20 years.
Have a nice day. With deepest and sincerest feelings,
Your customers
Right on!
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