Dayless Days

A lot of you have been complaining about the stresses of your miserable, everyday existence: You work long hours and you have too much to do on the weekends.

We at the Time Control Commission want you to know that we have heard you. Your wretched whining has reached our ears, and we see that somewhere, amidst all your blather and bellyaching, lies a valid point. Be of good cheer, we have decided to help you. Why, you ask?—because we are a helpful people, kind, generous, and intelligent. Also, it’s an election year, and we’d like to keep our cushy jobs.

So from this time forward, we have eliminated days and dates altogether. There will be nor more Mondays to be depressed on, no Fridays to thank God for. No one will be able to schedule any meetings, since no future days can be identified. There can be no appointments, no exams, and no stupid training courses. Each day will be a new one, different from yesterday and not the same as tomorrow. You will have to take each day as it comes, since no other day will have a name or a place in your date books (which will no longer exist.) This will drive 99% of the shrinks out of business, but you can’t make an omelet without stepping on a few eggs.

As a result of our beneficent change, you no longer will be pressured by the concept of weekdays and weekends. You may come to work whenever you want, just call it Monday. You may stop whenever you want, as long as you call it Friday. Pick up your cleaning on Tuesday, which might be someone else’s Saturday. Don’t worry about places being closed on Sunday since those days will be your Thursday.

Happy now?

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Well, apparently not. We’ve been barraged by protests against our new dayless and dateless system. Being good hearted, handsome, and extremely electable souls, we have decided to listen once again to your whinings. Do not think we have been influenced at all by the thoughtful comments that have come from the calendar industry, which recently gave us $200 million, earmarked as salary increases for us Time Commissioners. (Nice try. We were up for a raise anyway. So ours is a little bigger than the 2% increase you got, so what? We’re on the job 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, including seconds.)

So effective immediately, we’re switching back to the old calendar — with one exception. We’ve squeezed Friday into Thursday evening to give you another day of errands. Don’t worry, you won’t have to work late: just before 5:00pm every Thursday, the clocks will be set back eight hours.

Naturally, you’ll have to rush out and buy a new calendar to accommodate this revised revision. There’s nothing worse than an out-of-whack calendar or an underpaid Time Commissioner.

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What?! Are you people never satisfied? Okay, okay, we’ll do something different. We’ll change all the hours to 30 minutes. This way, you can get your 40 hours in by mid-day on Wednesday, with plenty of time for golf, movies, and the weekend errands.

If you’d like to know more about this new system, please call our information hotline at 555-1212.

Have a pleasant 48-hour day.